


I can't be here

by MaryTagus



Series: Not all is bright colors and rainbows [10]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2016-03-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 02:17:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6219724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryTagus/pseuds/MaryTagus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Felicity walked out leaving Oliver she buries herself in work trying not to think on how bad she's feeling. Oliver is not doing all that well either making Diggle rise to try for, at least, getting Felicity to rest. Green Arrow get's involved in a serious situation and Felicity can't stand being there, monitoring, watching, anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I can't be here

The days went fast, so fast. Without thinking, without stopping.

“Felicity, shouldn’t you rest?”

I knew exactly how I look. Pale white, dark rings around the eyes. At first make-up did the trick but then there were so many sleepless nights that not even a stop before every meeting, to redo the make-up, could conceal the signs.

At some point I just stopped thinking about home I kept myself working or, at least, in Palmer Tec. Between the day job and the night job all my time was taken and I didn’t think, I didn’t recall, I didn’t suffer.

“I’ve drowsed off for a bit about two hours ago. I’m good to go.”

“Felicity…”

Diggle just uttered my name but the heaviness of his concern seethe trough it making me turn to him forcing a smile.

“It will be okay. I will be okay.”

“Felicity… I…”

“It’s okay. Really.”

“No, it’s not. I can see it’s not. And I’m terrified for you both. I wish I could ground Oliver and force him not to go out there; I’m terrified he would get himself killed. But then I get here and I wish I could send you home for I’m terrified that one day I will find you oblivious, fallen to the ground. Of the two you, Felicity, you are the only one I can send home and have a chance to be heard.”

It crushed me that he was wrong. Maybe for the first time he was wrong. I would never go home, ever, I have no home. Not anymore.

Thea’s voice on our ears turned our attention to the screen.

“Trouble.”

She's right two bikers are on her tail and, because I was distracted, I didn’t notice them before.

“Turn right on the next intersection.”

“I’ll go help her.” Diggle's walking out when Oliver’s voice stops him.

“No. I go. I’m closer.”

Oliver’s firm voice didn’t leave any chance for any of us to answer back.

But he’s tired; I know he’s tired, like I am. Seeing him every day, hearing him in my ear every day, isn’t helping. We are trying to go back. Back to being just friends, but for me we were never just friends. Oliver was a far way dream at first, forever out of my grasp, then I came in to the team and all of the sudden he was there in my grasp but he was as far as he had ever been until the day he wasn’t. No, he was never just a friend to me, I know that and it makes it harder. So much harder.

“OLIVER”

As I see the biker turn around making Oliver fall to the ground and then turn back speeding fast toward his still body. I forget all about code names, all about the need for secrecy.

Oliver rolls getting out of the bike’s way, just in the nick of time, shooting an arrow at the biker that falls flat on the street.

“I’m here.”

But I’m not. I cannot be here. All Diggle’s words from before come crushing on me and I can’t stay here.

“Felicity, what’s wrong? He’s okay. Oliver is okay.”

But I’m not. Oliver could have been killed. He could have been lying on the road beyond all our capabilities and I would have just watched, knowing he was not on top of his game that he’s a wreck like I am.

“Felicity…”

I hear Diggle call just barely as the elevator doors close giving me the privacy I have sheltered myself from for weeks.

Tears flow freely down my face, hot against the coldness of my skin. I don’t seem to be able to stay warm lately; I’m always cold, so cold. The hotness of the tears is welcome as is the emptiness that follows the outburst. I feel spent, wary.

Somehow I found myself sitting on the floor of my old office.

_“These look like bullet holes.”_

_“The coffee shop is in a bad neighborhood.”_

The moment Oliver Queen entered my life, his first lie to me. And from then on their have been so many others. Lies at first then omissions and it felt the same they all felt the same, they were both just as bad. Why couldn’t he see that?

The sound of the elevator moving on the silent building echoed pulling me out to reality. It was probably the security guard. His concerned face had barely registered when I walked into the building. He’s probably looking for me, to check if everything’s alright.

I force myself up and take the elevator to my actual office. I was right, he’s standing inside, I can see his shadow on the dim emergency lighting.

“I’m here. I’m okay.” The words come out automatically as I flip the light switch.

“I’m not. I can’t bare being without you.”


End file.
